On the image of poor and black people

First off, I'm going to start this out by saying I'm not African American, black, brown, or any minority. But I do have a lot of friend who are the colors of the rainbow - African, African American, Asian, Asian American, Indian, Indian American, Native American, European, Southern and Northern Italian, Liberian, Lithuanian, Russian, Caribbean,  and all sorts of beautiful combinations in between. I have friends and family that live all over the world, including Turkey, China, England, France, Italy, Japan, Spain, Canada, Iceland, Netherlands, South Africa, Egypt, Chile, Peru, and more. You can feel free to tune out now if that bothers you that I'm not one of those folks writing about this piece.

Talking Points Memos often get passed around my friends and I noted with interest that amongst my friends on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, one particular article was getting a lot of discussion. "Why Do Poor People 'Waste' Money On Luxury Goods?"

I read the article. Its brilliant. It describes, in a nutshell, everything that is wrong with people today, even in a society that claims everyone is equal. This passage is particularly poignant for me:

"...There is empirical evidence that women and people of color are judged by appearances differently and more harshly than are white men. What is remarkable is that these gatekeepers told me the story. They wanted me to know how I had properly signaled that I was not a typical black or a typical woman, two identities that in combination are almost always conflated with being poor..."

Yes. This has happened to me more than half a dozen times myself. I've gotten second interviews because people thought I expressed myself so intelligently and managed to dress well, act at a higher class than I was, even when my husband and I were eating ramen noodles and PB&J every night. Honestly, I still do it, trying to find ways to fit in yet another item that is typically bought by people that are in a higher income level than my own because I know if I can play at being one of those higher income folks, one of them is more likely to bring me up with them, leading to a point where things are going to be more affordable.

A man can come into work in jeans and flip flops and not get told their attire is wrong nor get moved into the "not promotable group". A woman wears a skirt too short, happens to show a bit too much of their cleavage, wears the wrong fragrance, and poof! the impression of them is changed forever and they get moved to the "non-trustable" pile as they aren't showing that they are part of the club.

But the thing is that the article assumes that people are buying these things at full retail price (or even on sale). The thing is, I don't know many people who actually buy 100% of these items. Purses can be rented. Clothes can be rented. Outlet stores help with buying classics like suits, button downs, and classic accessories. Borrowed Clothes, Gwynnie Bee, and other "Netflix" services of fashion make it possible to borrow clothes, try them out, and return them frequently. BaubleBar makes jewelry affordable. ShoeDazzle makes knockoffs of the runway shoes within the realm of affordability. Zara, Charming Charlie, Bare Minerals, Julep, H&M, and others make jewelry, makeup, and accessories that help you look like you're in better financial shape than you are. Cricket, Boost Mobile, Virgin Mobile, and others are helping folks acquire tech gadgets with affordable monthly price tags. Heck, you can even get an iPad for buying satellite tv now! As long as you're up to date on what to say the labels actually are (and not mention where you got them), you can get away with a lot...

You really can't assume anymore that people are buying these things full prices at the expense of food, shelter, and power unless you physically see them do it, and then you really don't know if that woman worked an extra job, saved for two years, or got a surprise inheritance and decided to make an investment in making their life better. A good Coach, Kate Spade, or Louis can last for ten+ years with good care being taken of it.

So what am I grateful for today? That there are so many services, stores, websites, and borrowing rings now helping equalize the "luxury goods divide" and making it impossible to tell the lifestyle of anyone. You can dress any way you want within reason for most middle class people, and even if these services are a splurge for someone truly poor, its better to lay out $39.95 (an electric bill) than $3,995 (six months income) for an investment. Maybe this sounds completely shallow, but people continue to make judgments of women by how they look, so you have to fight with every tool in your toolbox to make mobility happen.

[Side note: I really am rooting for anyone who is poor. Truly. It is difficult in today's day and age to pull yourself up and out of the many financial holes that develop over life than I think it was for our grandparents and great-grandparents. This column was written 11/10/13 at 2:00 pm.]

Diet Coke

When I said I was going to write one of my 30 days of thanks columns about Diet Coke, the people I told kinda laughed and said I must be running out of ideas if I'm thanking Diet Coke like its some sort of idol.

I'm not really thanking Diet Coke persay. But I do thank it for being the alternative. As a child and a type I diabetic, I was never allowed to have the birthday cake and ice cream, being such a high exchange load it would send me into ZOMG sugar issues even with my insulin shots (kids, this was before pumps were everywhere and carb counting was developed). So I didn't. But every birthday party and holiday, there would always be a supply of them for me. The caffeine would get me a bit buzzed and I'd be able to keep up with the sugar addled kids in the rest of the room and I would feel normal for just a bit.

As I grew older, it got to wear after awhile. Diet Coke AGAIN? No cake, no candy, etc. So when I was a teenager, I rebelled. I tried my first Skittles. I tried my first Starburst. I started drinking iced tea, Diet Dr Pepper, Diet Mountain Dew, Diet Pepsi, and other diet beverages as the 1990s anti-sugar and anti-fat campaign came into popularity. And it was glorious. Course, I still had the insulin shots to deal with but by then I was better at correcting for that. I still didn't have great control, but I had a much more flexible life. And I stopped drinking Diet Coke for a good ten years.

After college I found that the machines at work would have Diet Coke. It was always the cheapest at the convenience store. Since I'm a pretty light drinker, I also found most bars would have Diet Coke which was better than tap water. So I came back to it. It was like meeting up with an old friend and finding they hadn't changed at all. But I had changed. I had to migrate my relationship with Diet Coke from being the "alternative" to being the "mainstay", much like the can design changed from its original style to an updated version. My relationship with this beverage had reached its mature stage, much like Diet Coke reached the mature point of the product life cycle.

I still don't "love" or really "like" Diet Coke all that much. I tend to drink the alternative versions of it - Diet Coke with Splenda, Diet Coke Plus, Cherry Coke Zero, Coke Zero, etc. But its always there when you need it, helping out whenever there's nothing diet to drink (or really bad water/tea). I still don't like to dose insulin in my pump for drinks. And because Coca Cola's been around forever and will probably be around forever, I can always reach for a trusty Diet Coke when I need one.

So here's to you: Diet Coke. Thanks for being there.

Fighting Homophobia

A strange title, I admit, for a 30 days of thanks post. Yet I feel there are thanks to be given to the people that do this on a daily basis. 

Last week, Informare Per Resistere put this on their Facebook status:

"« Mio figlio ha voluto un bracciale con le borchie. Ha nove anni e lo ha messo a scuola. Il giorno dopo mi ha raccontato che i compagni lo hanno deriso chiamandolo gay. E che non sanno neanche cosa significhi. 

Io gli ho chiesto: e tu invece lo sai? Ricordi cosa significa? 

Lui mi ha risposto: certo mamma, gay e' una persona che si mette con un'altra dello stesso sesso. E allora non devi ritenerla un'offesa, gli ho detto. Il giorno dopo ha rimesso fieramente il bracciale per andare a scuola.

Io a mio figlio insegno il rispetto per la persona umana. Cosa insegnano i genitori di quei compagni che lo hanno deriso?
L'omofobia si combatte soprattutto in famiglia. »
― Monica C."

For those of you that don't read Italian, this is a rough translation of my own (probably some errors along the way, but close enough):

"My son wanted a bracelet with studs. He is nine years old and in school. The next day he told me that his companions laughed at him calling him gay. And that they do not even know what that means.

I asked him: and what about you do you know? Do you remember what that means?

He replied: Sure mom, gay means they are a person who lives with another of the same sex. And then you must not feel it an insult, I told him. The next day he proudly put the bracelet on before going to school.

I teach my son to respect for the human person. What do they teach the parents of those comrades who have mocked?
Homophobia is fought mainly in the family. »
- Monica C."

"“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Francis told reporters, speaking in Italian but using the English word “gay.”" New York Times, 7/30/13

When Illinois passed the gay marriage bill Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel tweeted his reaction: “With one vote, countless couples will be acknowledged for what they are under the law — families just like everyone else. Great day!”

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis had a number 1 hit with Same Love, and it calls people out for calling people out for insulting gay people from behind the anonymity of message boards and YouTube. 

These are all normal people - Monica, Pope Francis, Rahm Emanuel, Macklemore, Ryan Lewis - who are all part of the effort to stand up for people who are just like everyone else except for one small aspect of their lives. Its all these small actions that they've taken that make a big influence - Pope Francis, heard by billions, Monica, heard by over 750,000 people, Rahm Emanuel, heard by millions, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, heard by billions. that help change the actions and thoughts of every day people.

I also want to throw in that its pretty awesome the Senate passed NDA. Since John Boehner hates the bill, who knows if it will ever see the light of day in the House, but I hope and pray that the good people of the House bring it to a vote

For that, I give thanks. There are decent people out there. You might not hear about them on Facebook or Twitter every day with the overwhelming negativity out there, but they are there. I give thanks that these folks seek out the positive message to deliver and try to make the world a better place.

[Side note: I am not Catholic but greatly admire Pope Francis. I've followed Rahm Emanuel's career since he was in the White House. I do have family and friends who are LGBT and they are as normal as anyone hetero I know. I wrote this post on 11/09/13 at 4:00 pm.]

Thank you to our veterans

There are many veterans out there without faces and without remembrance. That's why, regardless of country of origin today, I'm giving recognition to all the veterans in my family. There are countless more without images, from England, Canada, the USA, Italy, and more.

Have you seen how freaking awesome Nature is? (and how its the same as it was in 1836...)

Isn't that lovely? Ivy on the walls of the Stronghold Castle in Oregon, Illinois. This is my favorite season, fall. I give thanks every year that I live in an area that has lovely, distinct seasons, and the transition between the heat of summer and the snows of winter (or more often, rains in Chicago) is my favorite time of year. Sometimes its short, sometimes its long, but its the end of the riding season for me by the end of the fall, and I love what I get to enjoy of it.

I don't often post photos of the Vespa (there on the right) but riding season is always the highlight of the year. It starts out cold and wet, gets nice, gets too hot, starts to cool, gets to be cold and wet before I finally cease riding for the year. That doesn't stop my husband, of course, he has much more gear than I do ( heated vest, pants, boots, etc.) so he usually rides much longer (and is incredibly gleeful when he gets to do something like ride in January because the weather is cold but not wet and snowy and icy). 

Photo by Bill and Vicki T on Flickr

Riding around when you see beautiful colors like this just puts a smile on my face, even when its a bit chilly.

Photo by Kymberly Janisch on Flickr

I know some people might be thankful they live in Florida or Hawaii or Arizona or something so that they never feel the cold nor realize when its spring, summer, fall, or winter, but I am thankful that I live in a place that has all these distinct seasons. And coming from a hardy line of ancestors that made their way from New York to here, I think my ancestors really appreciated nature's bounty as well. 

When I think about the fact that there's a centennial farm in Michigan for my grandmother's family, it blows my mind that the Snell family was in Michigan just after it became a state, and is still there. The last name changed, but the descendants of Sylvanus Snell and Susan Tunison still live in the exact same location that they purchased in 1836! 

I took this over the summer, of course, but I can just imagine the trees changing color, the soybeans and corn stalks in the fields turning yellow and decaying back into the land, and the wondrous changes of Michigan in the fall. 

So I give thanks that my ancestors had the foresight to move to an area with such lovely seasons, and I that I am blessed to continue to live in the region and enjoy many of the same sights and sounds that they did.

Luke

30 days of thanks doesn't have to be serious, of course, so I thought I would start out the continuing series on the Adventures of Luke by giving thanks for Luke. Do you see him above? Luke is my constant travel companion.

Luke is a Beanie Baby keychain (sorry Annie!) that comes with me wherever I go. He like chicken and guard duty (his "job" is guarding my keys"), car rides, riding on the Vespa, and running through the grass. Often he escapes my pocket and decides to go for a walk on his own - or so he "says". 

He even occasionally takes his own "selfie" with my cell phone camera.

Many people ask me what a grown adult is doing with a stuffed animal. I look at them and say "Why don't you have one?". Here's the thing: this little dog helps me get out of my own head. Suffering from anxiety, I often need to look outside myself to realize I'm worrying over nothing and need to stop the cycle. At the same time, sometimes you need to escape to help yourself to see a solution to a problem that you're facing.

For example, I was recently working on a new weighted scoring model for work. Instead of thinking about it from my perspective, as a member of the design team, I put myself into Luke's place as a scorer. By thinking that way, I designed a scoring model for the leader of the design team to present that met the needs of the scorers so that the solution would work, rather than just be "designed". Yes, it might be silly to think of a stuffed dog as using a scoring model but the concept is better than just telling someone to abstractly think of the end user - this way gives them something identifiable to use and makes the concept more concrete. You don't want to disappoint a cute little doggie! How would he feel if you designed something that didn't work? This little dog has made it much easier for me to think outside the box and put myself solely into the role of an end user in many of my projects, and that's a valuable skill to have.

Adults too often lose the skills that we develop as children. Sometimes you need to hold onto those to make yourself a better adult, and that's what makes me thankful for a silly little dog named Luke.

Say NO to Cheap and YES to fabulous Art

I had a conversation with a friend about it getting harder and harder for people to charge what their work is worth in the world. A Facebook friend actually posted a writer's article in the New York Times about being frustrated with how many times they are asked to give away their work for free this week.

And yet, my friend told me that she was dismayed to find more people posting work on Etsy that's under $2 with as little as $2 for shipping. Let's say that your average dishcloth takes about 50 yards of yarn. Using the typical pricing for a commercial crocheter, 10 cents per yard is $5.00 per item [Note: this was the last figure I heard kicked around, it may even be lower now.]. Add in 50 cents for US shipping and you're at $5.50 per item. Several of the entries I noticed said they ship USPS priority mail for all items, which means you're at $10.50 per item. At $2 (plus $2 shipping), you're underpricing your costs by as much as $6.50.

 "But...but I do this for fun! It's a hobby! I do it for yarn money!"

Here's the thing. People have a tendency to remember those prices that they see. Every sock knitter I think I've ever met has said someone will go up to them and say "You know you can get those for $1.67 a pair a Walmart, right?" So when someone does something like a set of dishcloths and charges $27.00 for them (likely the "true" cost of making and selling them), there's outrage! Oh my gosh! $27.00! I could get those for $2 at Walmart.

'Tis true. The Walmart effect is huge. But when people start to say "this seller on Etsy says they're only $4.00!" that's when the effect starts to put a real chill on the market. People can no longer sell at the true cost of things, only what people will give them, and the market goes into a downhill slope.

If you search for the word cheap on Pinterest, an alarming number of items show up that are crochet or knit. Cheap gifts. Cheap clothes. Cheap, Cheap, Cheap.

Cheap cowls. Cheap hats. Cheap crafts. Cheap skill. Cheap People. Cheap Life.

So what am I grateful for today? People are fighting back.

There are more artists today using fiber as a medium than there have ever been before. People are elevating the craft from the household item to a dizzying array of mediums, methods, and techniques. People are pushing boundaries...and they're being respected.

Center for Knit and Crochet

Fine Art of Crochet

Fine Art of Fiber

Do yourself a favor and hit up the last link. If you're in the Chicago area, go to the show November 8-10. See how much people actually RESPECT knitters and crocheters and fiberers. Buy Gwen's book and see the wonder that is art in our chosen craft.

[Side note: Really, go to this show. I wrote this post 11/6/13 at 8:00 pm.]

Io Sono Celiaco (I am Celiac) - Italian food in the celiac world

People freak out about Italian food when they first get the diagnosis. OMG! No more spaghetti and meatballs? No more fried chicken parmigiana? No more macaroni?

Sigh.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Further, a real Italian would scream at them! That's only one part of Italian cuisine - its not ALL Italian! In fact, many of these foods are actually Americanizations of originally Italian dishes. Donna R. Gabaccia wrote a great article about Pizza, Pasta, and Red Sauce way back in 2006 that you should read. No really, I'll wait. Macaroni and cheese, that American staple, is actually from England-by-way-of-France so it will be saved for another day.

I've had this draft sitting in my blogger inbox for over a year, and I thought it time it see the light of day. Part of 30 days of gratitude has been rekindling my writing on a regular basis.

What I am grateful for is that there are people in the overall food community who have made gluten free food mainstream. Its not uncommon to see gluten free food in Epicurious, Pioneer Woman, Martha Stewart, Food Network, Williams Sonoma, Food52, Allrecipes, and the other big foodie sites - sometimes purposely and sometimes because they get back to what the dish was meant to be without all those gluteny additives. These folks really do help those of us with a major allergy eat, drink, and be merry with the best of them!

Here's a list of recipes that are in my rotation and are Italian without all that crazy gluten in them. And I didn't even scratch the surface - I didn't even add any of my family's own recipes in! Perhaps for a future column. I may keep adding to this list as I find more and republish as I go, too.

Chicken Parmesan

Polenta

Farinata Genovese

Wedding Soup Italian wedding soup is likely a mistranslation of the original word for it, but its still a really good soup!

Stuffed Mushrooms

Chicken Puttanesca

Meatballs

Gnocchi

Chicken Saltimbocca

Chicken Marsala

Mushroom Risotto

Risotto Primavera

Roasted Branzino with Fennel and Lemon

Cioppino

Herbed Spaghetti Squash

Crispy Prosciutto Bites

Cannelloni Bean Soup with Escarole and Italian Sausage

Ricotta Fritters

Snapper with Bruschetta / Italian Style Salsa

Italian Beef Sandwiches (American Italian, but I live in Chicago, so I can't do an Italian column without it)

Strawberry Gelato

Granitas

Italian Cheesecake

Ricotta Marscapone Mousse with Balsamic Strawberries

Strawberry & Marscapone Budini *note: see the next recipe for the cookies to use!

Amaretti Hard to find store bought and oh-so-tasty!

Zabiglione

Panna Cotta

Piccolo Affogato al Caffe

Figs with Goat Cheese and Prosciutto 

Gluten Free, Vegan Tiramisu

Gluten Free Regular Tiramisu

[Side note: this post was written back in 2012! Goodness. I polished off the rest of it 11/6/13 at 8:00 pm. I hope you like the recipes!]

Cosmic Awareness

My husband is currently reading The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick. We're both big fans of the podcast and he's been finding a lot of insight in what Chris has to say, and found Chris to be an inspirational figure (we're not talking like Gandi, or Mother Theresa, but on a different level). One of the passages that particularly struck him was a part about how the Universe really isn't out to get you and the world is not set up against you.

"To think that the Universe (a) is sentient and (b) would focus all or even part of its energy to ensure your unhappiness is laughable and more than a little self-centered. But it's not all the Nerd's fault. It's human nature to attach reasoning to events in an attempt to understand an otherwise reasonless world, no matter how ridiculous."

Seriously. Go out and get this book even if you're not a Nerd. The guy makes sense and is remarkably on target for a lot of people even when he's not cracking a joke. Anyway, getting back to what I was thinking. Sometimes its really hard to remember that the Universe isn't sentient. Especially if you read your horoscope. Monday I got this:

"Spending time at home sounds like a good idea, but you may have to go in to work anyway. In fact, you might have many things to do now that require you to head out into the world. Keep in mind that your words can make all the difference between success and failure, so don't complain about your professional obligations or social commitments. Instead, be as positive as possible when talking about your plans today and then try to manifest what's most important to you throughout the day."

I really had to think hard to remember that horoscopes are generic, not-written-specifically for me writings that are probably prepared by some horoscope algorithm "Statement 1: feel lazy Statement 2: don't Statement 3: insert generic platitude here" in some data center floating on a barge across the world, even if it does feel sometimes like they have a pulse on who you are. What it comes down to is that our experiences are hardly unique in the world. Most people have a day in their life where they feel lazy and don't want to do anything. Most people have professional obligations and social commitments. And contrary to this blog post, most of us don't have "Special Snowflake Syndrome" even if we are in the right age range. We know are experiences are not unique, and yet, we feel alone in the world.

That's why so many people rail against the universe. They feel it gives them common cause, a uniting of faith. Because everyone at some point in their life has felt that things just aren't going well and they can't do anything about it. And then they don't feel so alone in the world.

The better way to come together is to be aware that the universe is there. It just is. It doesn't move. It doesn't think about any particular part of it. It really doesn't matter what happens with it until it isn't.

And as Futurama told us, that's not going to happen until year 1 billion. So we, uh, have awhile to come to terms with it.

Today what I am grateful for is that there are people, the Interwebs, things, and pets in this world that give us those common experiences so that we don't need to rail against the universe but promote harmony, peace, justice, and happiness throughout.

[Side note: this post written 11/4/13 10:00 pm. I apologize if my language or thoughts offends you in any way. And note that we will get back to talking about fiber and genealogy. Eventually.]

Marriage

Reading on Facebook sometimes it seems as if folks have the perfect marriage. It makes me want to barf sometimes. Its so...the Disneyfied version...of what life is really like if you're married or living together (and by married, excuse my shorthand, it includes all versions of marriage, civil, religious, partnerships, common law, etc.).

Making its way around the Facebook recently is a post by Seth Adams Smith. And people have posted their praise of the column, saying how lucky they are that their spouse or significant other is just like this.

Again, barf.

My problem with it? A real marriage isn't about one or the other person. Its not about your kids. It's not about you, and yet so many people write about their marriage as if it is only about them and how their happiness is paramount.

A real marriage, like so many of the quiet, dignified folks I see in real life, is about US. It's about being able to come together when you need to and come apart when you don't. You are always yourself, but your naturally selfish nature comes to you when you are alone, and hides in the corner when you are with your spouse. You are a team, a force to be reckoned with. Your stuff becomes our stuff. You work together even through the hard times, the arguments, and the major life changes, and even the small life changes. You ask each other advice because you've learned to broaden your life view to include someone else as a part of you. And yes, sometimes there are selfish periods. And yes, you have to learn that there will be some of those times that go up and down and that your spouse is just as able to forget that you are "our" rather than him or her. Further, your marriage is not your children - if the only thing you have to talk about in common is your household bills and your kids, then well, you're headed down a rocky path, because you've both forgotten your collective identity, and that's not a good thing. Your children enhance your life and become part of the "US" but there's still going to be hours of the day where you need to remember to work together as spouses and be that force.

But you stick together through all of that, and that's what brings you happiness. I can't imagine a life without my husband. He's broadened my world view so that I'm not the selfish person I was when I was young. But he's also taught me that I need to guard myself, too, so that my giving nature isn't abused or overtaken. I have my selfish moments, but they are less often, less long, and less strong than when I was first married. We've moved into that phase where I see marriages becoming real and less tenuous and both of us are committed for the long haul, not willing to give up because we're in one of those bad times.

So what I'm grateful for today is that my husband gets it. He's not there to throw rose petals on the floor after me, make me happy by serving my every whim, its that he's a part of my life from which I derive great happiness because we are together. And I do the same for him. We take care of each other and live the un-Disneyfied marriage. And why yes, those Fiats do represent us - he's tall and I'm short, but complement each other perfectly and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Side note: written 11/4/2013 8:00 pm. And I apologize if any of the language in this column offends or grosses you out.]